Time for some truth, loves. This has been a hard week emotionally for me. As often happens with me when I am trying to make changes in my life, I find the hurt, the bad patterns, my “issues” surfacing for me to look at.
It can be difficult. I found myself feeling lost in depression yesterday. To the point where I couldn’t even engage in working out with Leese…something that I desired and looked forward to all week. I adore Leese. I’m grateful for her energy. But all of that light seemed to go out of me. I was incapable of connecting with her, expressing my gratitude. Leese even called me on my lack of self-compassion. She’s so strong and gracious. In that moment I felt how far I was away from that inner strength. Oy.
My shadow had decided it wanted me to look at it and demanded my attention. So I gave it some time. After Leese left, I cried. I let myself feel frustrated, sad, lost, angry. I decided to call it a day and hit the sack early. I was done. I had enough for the time being.
So it’s a new day. I love waking up after a sucky day, because it is physical reminder of possibility, new beginnings.
When I got up I had a choice. I looked within and examined how I was feeling. I asked myself whether I was through feeling the negative emotions, if I’d sat in them long enough. Sometimes the answer will be no…I’ll need to really have a pity party and wallow so I can be done with it. But thankfully I found I was done for the moment and could make a different choice.
There is a wounded girl within me. She’s getting a bit fearful because I’m making shifts. Feeling beautiful, vulnerable, and strong are scary to her. She’s been use to staying safe by playing small. She’s used to not getting attention and comfortably hiding away. I see this now. So how can I take care of this part of me? How do I help myself to heal instead of getting lost again?
Leese reminded me of the power of working with ying/yang, positive/negative, opposing energies and ways of thought. Sometimes if we are feeling blocked one way energetically, we can find balance and flow again by working with the “opposing” energy. It fully hit me this morning how much I needed to hear that. Yay for Leese and Spirit giving me the teaching I needed!
I find myself understanding that I’ve been so focused on the physical, that I’ve not really honored my spiritual side. Yep — no wonder I’m feeling frustrated with my physical progress as well as being an emotional mess. The energy hasn’t been flowing! I’ve been trying to keep up with the meditating, but it can be hit or miss. It hasn’t been every day. Well, it needs to be. It needs to be a priority, as much as taking care of my physical health has been.
This morning I desired to clear some energy and create a more positive, calm atmosphere in my home. So I refilled the long-neglected fountains in my bedroom and living room. I smudged my apartment and asked for peace and protection for my space. I burned some sandlewood incense so that the second I hit my door that scent will hit me and bring me to a space of peace.
And I wrote the following:
May I celebrate the beauty, power, and accomplishments of myself and others.
I envision the body I want. It is mine now. I love it now.
My desire is to connect with Spirit. I open now. I receive now.
I claim my suffering, my fears, my vulnerability. But I am not my suffering, fears, or vulnerability.
I choose my focus.
I take responsibility for my health.
I take responsibility for my thoughts.
I choose the life I am co-creating each moment.
May I love, laugh, be of service, and a force of peace.
So mote it be.
It is my prayer, my intention for this day. I wanted to share my experience from last night and this morning with you all — just in case you, too, have been struggling, feeling out of balance, need to take be control over where you are focusing your thoughts.
If you are suffering, this is my hope for you: that you will allow yourself to face and look at your pain; that you will feel what you need to feel — get mad, cry, yell, whatever you need to do; that you will release and refocus; that you remember your power over your thoughts and attitude. Most of all I pray for grace for you. I pray for a return to a state of peace, light, and balance.
You’re not alone. You are loved. I’m more grateful than I could ever express that I have the friends and family I have loving and supporting me. They are the stars in my life when I’m lost in the dark. They remind me of how awesome my life truly is and how much love surrounds me. May I be of service in the same way.
So find ways to connect with those who love you. Express your truth. Go co-create a life you love, my dears.