The plastic pill container lurks before me,
My measured doses of false functionality to get
me through the hours, the days, the interminable weeks.
It’s the same routine of drugs,
The same routine of pains and sorrows.
Just another moment in another round.
And I just want to breakdown.
I just want to scream as loud as I can with frustration.
I want to sob uncontrollably in my mother’s arms.
I want to let go of this existence.
At one time I knew how to live.
I felt joy at the dawn.
Days held pleasant memories to be recounted.
Now my sleep is filled with nightmares.
I can’t even find rest there.
I can’t remember
what is supposed to make it worth it all.
And I feel foolish in my forgetfulness.
In my mind I can hear a voice chastising me
for my lack of gratitude.
And while I can’t disagree with her,
I can’t go on either.
I need peace.
I need belly laughs that leave my cheeks aching.
I need love that sets me on fire.
I need joy that fills me till I seem to glow.
Let me wake from this sorrow.
Let me shrug off this inky cloak.
Please let me remember what it is like in the sun.
Let me live again.
Please God.
Please.