This song was written out of horror and pain in the wake of teen suicides that recently took place due to bullying. The group reached out to the “It Gets Better” Project established by Dan Savage and created what I feel is a powerful, emotional piece of art.

Check it out:

When I see something like this, I just have to share it. So many are targeted for their beliefs, who they love, or physical differences. For some the pain can feel like too much. I hope that messages like this song can remind those struggling that there are those of us who do love them, who will fight for their right to be themselves, and who accept them for all they are without hesitation or question.

You are beautiful. You are loved. You are perfectly created the way you are supposed to be. You deserve to feel pride in who you are.

Don’t ever give up.

“If we have our own why of life, we shall get along with almost any how.”

As I close in on/refine my weight-loss goal, I’m now being challenged to look at other aspects of my life. What really do I want to do? Where do I want to live? How do I want to spend my energy and time?

It’s a time for dreaming. Ah…dreams. Don’t we all have them? Shouldn’t we be able to easily state our dreams for ourselves and our lives? It’s not that easy, is it?

Most of us get conditioned early on to not listen to our passions, our hearts. We may feel that we have to be “responsible.” We may have a passion that has been dismissed or ridiculed by family or friends in the past.  We may have been told that pursuing our dreams was selfish, arrogant. We may have been led to believe that simply earning a paycheck, getting a home, and having the car are what defines success.

We little by little shut down our emotions, our intuition, that voice that says “there’s more.” We exist. We don’t really live. We get by. We punch the clock.

Well, I think I’m beginning to find the strength within to say, “To Hell with that.”

There is so much wonder and magic and beauty in this world. Why do I, do we, tolerate a life that is less than full?  Manifesting change, growing, becoming our authentic selves is hard work. Yes, there is great joy in life, but there will also be challenges. To do the work, we have to find what really will make it worthwhile. Hence, we must find our “why,” so that we can enjoy/tolerate/pass through the “how.”

I’m sure we’ve all experienced times when we’ve talked ourselves out of trying for something we desire. I’m sure we’ve begun a process and then found our will power lacking. Why? It’s about choice. A choice to take a constructive action or a destructive action.

So how do we come to a place within where we are willing to make the healthy, constructive choice?

Clearly define what you are working toward.

Jillian Michaels has a great example as she speaks about getting healthy. She asks her clients what does getting healthy/losing weight really mean to them? Does it mean fitting into particular clothes? Achieving strong arms so that you can lift and play with your child? Does it mean feeling slim and sexy so you have the confidence to go out and meet people? Get down into the real nitty, gritty detail of what your desire is, what it means to you.

Here are some examples for myself and my weight:
*I want to weigh 100 pounds. (A clear, specific, realistic target).
*I want strong, sexy, toned arms and legs so that I feel confident and can wear cute, fashionable clothes. (A clear physical example of what I want and how it will impact my life.)
*I want long-term health that will make the process of getting older more graceful. I want less pain, more enjoyment of activities, and a healthy heart as I age. (A long-term vision.)
*I want to feel good enough about myself that I can find a mate, fall in love, enjoy sex. (An emotional connection to the goal.)

When we are specific, we give ourselves something worth fighting for. In a moment of choice, we have a constructive goal/option that has more emotional appeal than the destructive option.

Reward yourself

Many of our destructive habits come out of a feeling of entitlement. We struggle with so many things in our lives, work so hard, that we feel that we deserve something that makes us feel good. Of course we deserve enjoyment! Of course we deserve to reward ourselves for hard work. But here’s the key — we must find ways to reward and nurture ourselves that aren’t destructive.

For women it may be something that makes them feel beautiful: getting a new hair cut, or a mani-pedi. You may enjoy treating yourself to a massage. You may reward yourself for lifting weights and working so hard on those arms with a new top that shows them off. Find sources of deliciousness and joy, but make them ones that don’t counteract your goals.

Visualize and Play

Achieving something worthwhile takes effort, so try to make it as enjoyable as possible. If you’re wanting to lose weight,  choose activities that push you but that you also don’t dread (or better yet  – look forward to).  As you exercise, hold that vision of those strong arms you want, dancing with your boyfriend/girlfriend, playing with your kid…whatever it is that you are working toward. Feel it now. Be in that body now. Change is exciting! Feel empowered! Feel the joy of knowing you are doing something good for yourself. In other words, hold your “why” close to your heart! Remind yourself it is worth it.

Always, always, always remember that you deserve to love yourself and love your life. You ARE worth the effort it will take to achieve your dreams.

Doing the work to lose the weight I’ve lost has taught me many things:
* I have more discipline than I could have ever imagined.
* I have the power to change things about myself and my life.
* I will make sacrifices in time and effort to achieve something if I feel it is important enough.
* Set backs are not endings. They are opportunities for learning.
* Our imagination can either feed our fears, our empower our vision.

I’ll take this experience and my learnings as I move on to new challenges. Every moment is a chance to work on creating the life we desire. I invite you to read Unlimited by Jillian Michaels.  I just picked it up and am utterly engrossed in it. I’m learning so much, thinking about so much. I invite you to join me — examine your life, reconnect with your passions,and dreams. Find the “why” and then settle for nothing less than your goal. We’ll get through the “how’s” together.

Namaste.

It can be difficult. I found myself feeling lost in depression yesterday. To the point where I couldn’t even engage in working out with Leese…something that I desired and looked forward to all week. I adore Leese. I’m grateful for her energy. But all of that light seemed to go out of me. I was incapable of connecting with her, expressing my gratitude. Leese even called me on my lack of self-compassion. She’s so strong and gracious. In that moment I felt how far I was away from that inner strength. Oy.

My shadow had decided it wanted me to look at it and demanded my attention. So I gave it some time. After Leese left, I cried. I let myself feel frustrated, sad, lost, angry.  I decided to call it a day and hit the sack early. I was done. I had enough for the time being.

So it’s a new day. I love waking up after a sucky day, because it is physical reminder of possibility, new beginnings.

When I got up I had a choice. I looked within and examined how I was feeling. I asked myself whether I was through feeling the negative emotions, if I’d sat in them long enough. Sometimes the answer will be no…I’ll need to really have a pity party and wallow so I can be done with it. But thankfully I found I was done for the moment and could make a different choice.

There is a wounded girl within me. She’s getting a bit fearful because I’m making shifts. Feeling beautiful, vulnerable, and strong are scary to her. She’s been use to staying safe by playing small. She’s used to not getting attention and comfortably hiding away. I see this now. So how can I take care of this part of me? How do I help myself to heal instead of getting lost again?

Leese reminded me of the power of working with ying/yang, positive/negative, opposing energies and ways of thought. Sometimes if we are feeling blocked one way energetically, we can find balance and flow again by working with the “opposing” energy. It fully hit me this morning how much I needed to hear that. Yay for Leese and Spirit giving me the teaching I needed!

I find myself understanding that I’ve been so focused on the physical, that I’ve not really honored my spiritual side. Yep — no wonder I’m feeling frustrated with my physical progress as well as being an emotional mess. The energy hasn’t been flowing!  I’ve been trying to keep up with the meditating, but it can be hit or miss. It hasn’t been every day. Well, it needs to be. It needs to be a priority, as much as taking care of my physical health has been.

This morning I desired to clear some energy and create a more positive, calm atmosphere in my home. So I refilled the long-neglected fountains in my bedroom and living room. I smudged my apartment and asked for peace and protection for my space. I burned some sandlewood incense so that the second I hit my door that scent will hit me and bring me to a space of peace.

And I wrote the following:

May I celebrate the beauty, power, and accomplishments of myself and others.
I envision the body I want. It is mine now. I love it now.
My desire is to connect with Spirit. I open now. I receive now.
I claim my suffering, my fears, my vulnerability. But I am not my suffering, fears, or vulnerability.
I choose my focus.
I take responsibility for my health.
I take responsibility for my thoughts.
I choose the life I am co-creating each moment.
May I love, laugh, be of service, and a force of peace.
So mote it be.

It is my prayer, my intention for this day. I wanted to share my experience from last night  and this morning with you all — just in case you, too, have been struggling, feeling out of balance, need to take be control over where you are focusing your thoughts.

If you are suffering, this is my hope for you: that you will allow yourself to face and look at your pain; that you will feel what you need to feel — get mad, cry, yell, whatever you need to do; that you will release and refocus; that you remember your power over your thoughts and attitude. Most of all I pray for grace for you. I pray for a return to a state of peace, light, and balance.

You’re not alone. You are loved. I’m more grateful than I could ever express that I have the friends and family I have loving and supporting me. They are the stars in my life when I’m lost in the dark. They remind me of how awesome my life truly is and how much love surrounds me.  May I be of service in the same way.

So find ways to connect with those who love you. Express your truth. Go co-create a life you love, my dears.

Namaste.

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I had a fascinating dinner with a dear friend/ my personal trainer/ all around gorgeous spirit, Leese, last week. I was very grateful for the chance to share with her and to partake of her wisdom. One of the topics we touched on was compassion – What is it? How do we find it for ourselves? How do we cultivate it and feel it for others? I thought I’d share some of my thoughts.

I read something the other day on a site regarding self-compassion. It said “People are often very hard on themselves when they notice something they want to change because they think they can shame themselves into action – the self-flagellation approach.”

That really resonated with me. As I linger in the middle ground of having made strides toward health, but not yet fully achieving my goals I’ve found my self-compassion lacking. And frankly life is too precious to spend wasting the kind of time I’ve spent beating myself up. So…enter a renewed focus on compassion.

Self-Compassion

Self-compassion isn’t about being dishonest with yourself – e.g. ignoring your feelings; overlooking things that could be improved about yourself. We cannot make suffering go away by ignoring it. We can not alter something about ourselves without first acknowledging what needs to be changed.

The key is to be very mindful in these moments of our inner voice and our treatment of ourselves. It’s easy to fall into a pattern of judgment and self-criticism when we face personal failings. It’s easy to forget that we are only human, and that we can’t be “perfect” all of the time.

What if we took a different approach? What if we choose being kind to ourselves in these moments? We can honor and embrace our humanity in both its strength and weakness. We can change because we love ourselves and it will improve our life (such as increased health, inner peace, growth) – not out of self-judgment.

In my practices I’m finding how important it is to hold the vision of what we desire for our lives and to live and act as though those desires have manifested and are “real” now. For example, I want to live a life where I love my body. What would that life be like? I’d exercise; I’d eat well; I’d dress in a way that makes me feel cute; I’d be thankful for what my body is capable of. Well, heck! I can do all of those things now, right? I don’t have to beat myself up about those last pounds. I can love myself now and still be heading in the right direction.

We will all have moments of success and failure. We are here to evolve and therefore will occasionally have lessons to learn and the accompanying “growing pains.” Why not embrace the reality and treat ourselves with some compassion?

We can confuse liking ourselves with arrogance. I admit I struggle with that one. It feels like allowing myself to like myself would make me one of those self-important, selfish, arrogant people who will have to face a harsh lesson in humility.  I don’t want to be that! But in truth, I couldn’t be that kind of person. It’s not in me to feel like “God’s Gift” to the rest of the world.

I am coming to realize that liking the person I am now, does not mean the person I was before was bad. I am trying to embrace the fact that even though there may be things I wish to change about myself that I am perfectly who I am supposed to be now. I can work towards growth without condemning myself. In other words, it’s okay to like me, be kind to me, and take care of me.

Compassion for Others

I don’t want to live judging others, finding fault in others, dismissing others. That’s a very unhappy path. That’s a very isolating, exclusive path. Still, finding compassion for others can be challenging. Those who need compassion the most often act in ways that don’t necessarily welcome warm, sympathetic feelings. They may be angry. They may be selfish. They may seem judgmental.

So to feel compassion we must first go beyond the behavior and realize its source. The person is suffering somehow. Something happened which has spun them out their natural state of harmony, peace, and love. We may or may not know the cause, but realizing there is suffering can allow us to have empathy.

We can relate to the pain based on our own experiences and challenges. It can remind us to be thankful that we are not enduring the same situation (or that we at least have better tools to handle the circumstances). We can go toward an attitude of gratitude and open-heartedness.

No one is perfect. No one immaculately handles every challenge or event in their lives. But everyone is worthy of compassion. I firmly believe that people are brought into our lives for a reason. They are teachers placed before us by Spirit. Often the most challenging people can bring us the greatest gifts. They teach us the importance of such things as boundaries, kindness, and selflessness. So ask yourself in these moments of frustration, “What can I take away from this experience? What is this person teaching me about how I want to live my life?”

Compassion isn’t about a quid-pro-quo. It isn’t about the other person earning it. We do it because it is the type of person we want to be and it is a chance to offer the kind of grace we hope to receive when we struggle.

Compassion is easier to find when we remember what we tend to judge most harshly are things we don’t like within ourselves or are afraid of in ourselves. Insecure people judge and condemn. It’s effortless. It can make you feel good when you are feeling a bit down on yourself. Compassion comes from a place of great power and love.

Strive to seek the good within yourself and others and have compassion for the less “positive” aspects. Share love and empathy as much as possible.

Forget perfection. Do what you can. Embrace who you and others are now with gratitude. You will find that you are more beautiful, wiser, and stronger than you knew.

Namaste.

Torchwood “Miracle Day” will be airing on Starz starting on July 8. What do people think about this? Will you pay to get your dose of Captain Jack and Gwen? Any trepidation about the show incorporating so many American actors and moving away from BBC America? Do you feel after the passage of so many of the primary characters that “Children of Earth” should have been Torchwood’s last installment?

I’ll be honest. I’ll probably sign up for Starz while it’s on. I love John Barrowman as Captain Jack Harkness and that adoration overshadows any grouchy disappointment I have at losing the beloved characters of Toshiko, Owen, and Ianto.  Believe me I’m very unhappy about Ianto’s passing;  so the fact I’m willing to give this a shot is indicative of my great love of  Torchwood and Captain Jack.

What say you, folks?  Comment below.

I have been reminded several times recently to accept and appreciate what is unfolding in my life. Now that doesn’t mean that life is exactly what I would wish. It doesn’t mean I stop working toward goals. It is about realizing where I am and what is happening in my life is exactly what is meant to be. It is about gratitude for the Now I’m experiencing – the warmth of my shelter, the sweetness of the food I’m eating, the joy of hearing the laughter of friends.

The partner to this attitude of acceptance is letting go of resistance. It’s about being quiet and centered enough to pay attention to the guidance of the universe. Sometimes we have a vision of what we want to have happen, and we hold on with a stubborn ferocity to that picture. If we find ourselves continually running up against blocks, if things aren’t moving forward, we need to take a moment. Instead of beating our heads against the wall, we must stop, breathe, accept, and open up.

Examine the following:

What kind of attitudes and thoughts are you holding?

It is important to frame your intentions in positive manner. You cannot reap abundance by planting seeds of lack. For example I’m working on weight loss. It’s easy to see holding thoughts of, “Every day I’m leaner, healthier, and stronger.” will allow for more success than thoughts of “This is so hard. I am so sick of not being able to eat my favorite foods. Why won’t the number on the scale go down?” Both methods of thinking will be answered. So choose thoughts that support what you actually want to manifest. Coming from a place a lack will only produce more lack.

Has the Universe answered and you just haven’t seen it?

Our prayers aren’t always answered in the manner we expect. So instead of being focused on a particular outcome, just be open to the energy coming into your life in the manner that will serve your highest good. Sometimes the universe will answer a prayer with something that will takes us out of our comfort zone and challenge us, but it is exactly what we “asked” for. Practice openness. Say yes. Don’t block your blessings.

Are you resisting guidance that would lead you to another choice/another path?
We are eternally supported by a divine force. We may not realize in the moment why one door was shut on us. It may hurt. It may be frustrating. And that’s okay to feel those feelings. But then take a breath and look at things through the eyes of possibility.

Maybe that job didn’t happen, because you’re meant to take another one that will be coming soon. Maybe a creative effort is becoming blocked because there is a new direction to take with it that allows the fullness of your inner wisdom and light to be expressed. Look for the good. Surrender and say to God/Spirt/The Universe, “I trust in your guidance. I surrender my actions, my thoughts to you for my highest good and the highest good of others.”

Don’t resist. Flow. Be present. Be open. And above all trust – in your inner power, in the love of your angels and God,  and that all that happens is for your highest good.

We are all capable of much more than we realize….but the Universe knows what gifts rest inside of us waiting to be shared. We are powerful. We are worthy. But we need to get out of own way and not resist what is available to us.

I wish you the best in all of your efforts. I appreciate the light you add to the world. Can’t wait to see what you do next!

Namaste

Confession time.

I marvel at women who seem full of self-confidence. They know they are beautiful. They know they are sexy. They know they are wanted. They feel at ease in that power. Or at least it seems that way to me as an outsider. God…what I would give for one day of feeling that —  a moment of not feeling at war with myself, peace instead of hatred.

It is so difficult to try to see myself in any kind of an objective way. My reflection is distorted by memories. There were messages that I was fat. The dislike conveyed to me about how I dressed. The reaction to and my hatred of the things I can’t change like my height, my webbed neck, my weird feet. There were days where it felt like every message was “You are different, ugly, and you will never be beautiful.”

Now that I’ve lost some weight and people are commenting on it, it is a strange thing. I do my best to take it in the spirit of compliment and encouragement that it is intended. They know I’ve been working hard, and they are happy that I’m getting healthier. They don’t intend anything other than kindness and praise. But let me tell you where the wounded, fat-girl inside goes….

She gets hurt. There is a sense of Wow, I must have been an absolute whale. They really thought I was huge.

She gets pissed. Once again, I’m being judged on the physical. Oh what?! Now you think I’m becoming “acceptable.” Now you actually acknowledge my presence. I guess my soul doesn’t count for much to you does it?

She judges herself. It’s never enough. I don’t see strong, lean legs. I don’t see the fact that my arms are changing and getting some definition. I look at my stomach and the fact it isn’t toned despite my workouts. I see the fat there, despite my diet. And I want to break down. I want to scream and say, “What do I have to do? I’m working so damn hard…I’m giving up so much. What more do you want God? Why won’t you let me be pretty and skinny?”

I’m coming to realize how powerful my definition of self is. I am trying to change it, but I’ll be honest…I’m far from succeeding yet. For most of my life I’ve considered myself ugly, fat, etc. I’ve defined myself as the very opposite of beautiful. What else could I think growing up? Beauty was defined as blonde, blue-eyed, tall, thin. My God. How far from that am I?

And this way of seeing myself became a habit that now distorts what I see in the mirror. So now that I’ve come this far on the physical, I realize that I must go just as far inside.

There was a moment this week that made me realize what I think of how I look and what the reality is are not aligned. It was seeing this picture:

Now the gal is the picture isn’t ugly. She’s pretty. She has great eyes and cleavage. She’s not skinny per say, but she’s not huge. She’s got a cute, sexy pose going on. I was struck by how different that picture is from how I see myself.

So…where do I go from here?

I’m going to try to change that inner voice. It is habit that reinforced the self-judgment. I hoping habit can reinforce self-compassion and self-love instead.

I’m going to try a few days of writing down the negative things I say about my body to help bring my attention to how often it takes place. And then I’m going to do my best to stop myself in the future when I start criticizing myself and either frame my thought in a more objective manner or replace the judgmental thought with something positive.

I’ve begun writing down the gracious compliments I receive and the things people do and say to show I’m appreciated. I’m hoping that will help remind me the painful picture I have of myself isn’t the truth.

I’m going to keep up the meditation and exercise. They do help me to feel centered, strong, and better about myself.

And I will do my best to just say “Thank you” to the compliments on the weightloss and kind words on my looks. I will make myself stay in that space of gratitude as much as possible.

I’m sure along the way I’ll do other things too such as affirmations and using my mala to reinforce positive thoughts. I am open to any suggestions you have as well. Leave them in a comment below.

So before I go, I want to say that I didn’t write this to “fish for a compliment” as my folks would say. I am writing this because I think most women feel like I do. I think most women have cruel, self-judging thoughts regarding their looks. I think most women struggle with wanting to be beautiful and yet wanting to be seen for more than just their bodies. I think most women fight against the media’s “Size 0 is beautiful.” and “You are ugly unless you buy this.” doctrine. I think most women don’t have a clue of their worth or how stunning they really are.

I want those women to fight too. I want them to join me in letting go of the past way of seeing themselves and choosing a way of looking at themselves that is empowering.

I want those women to know they aren’t alone, and they are loved. I’m here with ya and I’ll remind you of how gorgeous you are any time you need it.

We begin to change the way the world views/values women by changing how we view/value ourselves. So let’s make it about love. Let’s embrace our beauty. Let’s connect again with a sense of power. We can shine if we allow ourselves.

Much love….

There are things I want to say to my mother and stepdad as they go through his struggle with cancer. I want to acknowledge the reality of the situation – that my mother will lose her beloved, her mate, her companion, her heart well before their golden years. I want her to know I’ll be there for her – that she can get angry about the unfairness of disease, cry with me when she grieves later on, that she can actually talk to me about how she feels.

I want Dale to know every day, every month, every year he is with us that I love him so very much. I want him to know how grateful I’ve been to have him to depend on. I want him to know how much it meant to see how loving he was with my mom, how amazing it has been to know she found love with her soulmate.

But for the most part I’ve kept pretty silent. I don’t know how to balance hope and present day reality versus the sadness of what will come in the future due to his illness in conversation. For someone who usually can find words, at least in writing, this not knowing what to say makes me frustrated. I think we want to be there for each other. I guess I’ve been just letting them have their own space to be together and work through it all. I guess I’ve been focused on the fact I will be there when thing do get worse…whenever that is…whether tomorrow, two months from now, or years from now. I hope in the meantime that my heart has been expressed enough to them through the years that they know how loved they are.

But back to the original point – we are all dying. So even if there is not an acute illness or circumstance afflicting you or your loved ones at this point in time, it is important to remember the fragility of life. In recognizing its fragility, that no one is guaranteed a tomorrow, we can come to fully honor life’s preciousness, its power. We can let go of past hurts and heal. We can forgive. We can remind someone how grateful we are for them. We can look someone in the eye and say “I love you.” We can laugh, cry, play, and celebrate life together.

If we choose to live in this manner, joyous memories will remain when it is time to say good-bye. Regrets won’t exist because we’ve loved fiercely and said what we needed to say.

I’d like to believe that if we live this way, when death does come it can come in a spirit of peace and release. Perhaps then it will finally not be something to fear but merely the balance to the energy of life.

Namaste.

I understand both sides.

I understand the pain, the humiliation of being overweight. The self-hatred that it infects you with which leads to depression, which in many cases leads to consumption of more food. Food can be a drug we use to fill a void, medicate away a feeling, make us feel in control, make us feel good for a few moments. I understand the horror when an overweight patient has to step on the scale or strip down before her doctor. I understand the rejection of society that manifests in whispered (or boldly stated) comments. I understand the loneliness. I understand how hard it is to get started losing weight and keep going when the weight doesn’t seem to want to come off. I get it.

But one also has to look at the flip side of the coin, the area of personal responsibility. Let me preface this by saying I’m not addressing medical conditions that can cause rapid changes in weight such as thyroid or hormone imbalances. I’m talking about what causes weight gain in the majority of us – making the choice to eat in unhealthy ways and choosing to sit on the couch instead of getting some exercise. We make the choice to eat a donut or have a piece of fruit or to have a salad or a pizza. We choose to get on that elliptical machine or to watch that movie on TV. No one else is making the choice for us. We can blame it on busy schedules, family pressures, etc. But the excuses don’t hold up in the end. We can choose a healthy path or an unhealthy path.

When the price we pay for sedentary lives accompanied by bad eating habits is medical issues and blows to our self-esteem and happiness – why do so many make the decision to live that way?

Our bodies reflect our level of self-love, self-care, and inner health. If we don’t have a goodly amount of self-love and inner peace, we are less likely to make healthy decisions. It takes effort to plan meals, read nutrition labels, and calculate calories. It takes discipline to make yourself exercise when your life is already busy.

For me there is not one thing that has helped me keep going in this weight loss battle. It is many things. It comes down to finding that thing inside everyday that makes me get on that elliptical machine or throw in that exercise video.

Time helps too. Because, let’s face it, the initial stages of exercising are not the most pleasurable experience. We have to push ourselves into a space that is uncomfortable in order to get stronger. But there is a pay off. Eventually you reach a stage in exercising where you are rewarded by feeling the endorphins, the sense of accomplishment, the de-stressing. It used to be after a hard day at work I would give into the feeling of being tired, crash on the couch, and order a pizza. Now I know that if I make myself work up a sweat my attitude will be improved and I’ll feel more energized. So I push through the resistance and do it. It takes having the vision to know that the effort put into the food choices and exercising will make you feel better in the long run. As your body gets stronger, your spirit gets more empowered as well. You begin to believe in yourself more. You feel more pride. You find you can change how your see yourself. That is powerful stuff. But you have to be willing to push through a lot of inner resistance, sore muscles, food temptations, distractions, etc. to get there.

Another thing I’ve noticed within myself is an uncomfortable reaction when I am judged positively on my looks. I think women have a love/hate relationship with their bodies and their beauty. From the time we are little girls we get attention when we are pretty. Just look at a little girl in a pretty new dress and how often she is told she is pretty. We learn quickly we get attention when we are beautiful. We learn early that we are evaluated by our looks. We learn to dress, put on make up, style our hair to be attractive. Well, this can lead to a rebellion. I’ve know women who were abused and through a subconscious effort to protect themselves stopped taking care of themselves and gained weight to draw less attention. For myself, I’ve always bristled at the sexual/visually-based nature of men’s attention. I wanted to be liked for my heart, my mind, my soul. My intelligence and heart are my strength, not my curves. Plus I knew I wasn’t the classic bombshell and even if a guy seemed to like me, it was always in the back of my mind he’d drop me for the next step up in beauty when she came along. So for a long while I made myself isolated. I chose to be alone. I did in my looks. It’s weird now that I’ve dropped some weight to see the twinkle in some men’s eyes, to be getting attention again. These are the same people I was invisible to 20-30 pounds ago. I’m trying to see that the attention isn’t just from the new look I have, but also the more positive, open attitude I have. But I admit it is a challenge for me. It is a hard pattern of perception to break.

The bottom line if you are struggling with weight is that there is hope. But it is a long process. There is not a quick fix. The truth is what it has always been – eating healthily and exercising. It comes down to honestly looking inside and acknowledging how you are feeling about yourself, what motivates your choices, and making a choice to love yourself and return to health. Yoga is a wonderful way to begin exercising if you are overweight and beginning a routine. Not only is it appropriate for all levels of fitness, it helps you develop inner peace which is key to staying in the present and making positive choices. I also recommend meditating regularly because it brings you back to a centered mindset, aids in emotional well being, and helps you feel more connected to the world around you. If you can, have a team of people around you encouraging you. We all have days where motivation is difficult and it helps to have cheerleaders in our corner. Find various exercise routines you enjoy so the experience is fun and full of variety. Be gentle on yourself along the way.

And always know you’re not alone. Like I said, I’m in the battle with you. I’ve gone from 154 at my absolute heaviest (not a long period of time) to this morning’s weight of 114 pounds. It’s taken a long time to get here and I’ve got a long way to go. Do what it takes to embrace yourself as you are now as you hold on to the vision you want for your life. Enjoy the process, the journey.

Namaste.

My kitty, Ender, came into my arms and my heart over ten years ago, but today was our goodbye.

I fondly recall Denice entering my apartment announcing, “There’s a kitten under the stairs.” Being animal lovers, we immediately went to him. The gorgeous orange and white long-haired boy was huddled under the outside stairs of my apartment building. He was hungry, frightened. But he instinctively knew we were there to help him. He allowed me to scoop him up without complaint. Once back in the apartment, I put a bowl of food down for him. He dove into it happily.

He spent that first night curled up on my pillow purring and nuzzling me. He seemed to know he’d found someone to love him. He kept me up much of the night, but I couldn’t complain. I had planned to find him a home, but he wasn’t having that. He chose me and wouldn’t stand for anything else. Every time a person who was interested in adopting him would come over, he would hide. Eventually I got the hint that he was staying for good.

He was a truly loving and joyous companion to me. He was so shy and tended to take shelter under the bed when others would come over to visit. But with me he was utterly affectionate. He would purr to comfort me when I was in pain. He’d rest beside me when I’d meditate. He had the sweetest meow used to voice both his demands and his happiness. Because he was there, I had a friend. I wasn’t alone. He just wanted to love me and my other kitty, Phoebe.

There was an incident many years back where he managed to escape when I was trying to take him to the vet. He was gone for 11 days. I kept a window open for him so he could come inside if he found his way home. I’d about given up ever seeing him again. I almost closed the window before I left for overnight, but something made me leave it open. The next morning I felt compelled to drop by my apartment. He’d come back to me. I remember my utter joy as I walked down the stairs and heard him calling to me. We were both thrilled to see each other again.

I give thanks for every meow, love bite, and head butt from Ender. I was grateful every time he met me at the door when I’d return from work. It felt so nice to know that this lovely being was happy to have me home, and that he’d missed me.

It broke my heart to see him fade. Animals are so innocent. They are the purest expression of love. It doesn’t seem fair that they should ever feel pain. It doesn’t feel right that those who love them the most must often make the decision to end their lives in order to stop their suffering. Unfortunately that becomes part of our responsibility as their caretakers.

I am so grateful for all of the support from my friends and family. They truly understand what it is like to lose a furry loved one. My tears have been met with great empathy. They have helped me stay strong while making a very painful decision.

There is a saying that part of what makes life so precious is that it ends. The time with our pets is far too short. Maybe that is because they are a bit too beautiful for this earth and are meant for a more loving place.

I’m very glad that Phoebe is still with me. I know we’ll grieve together. The loss of Ender leaves a huge void in my heart. A large light of my life has gone out. While I miss him horribly, I pray he is at peace.

Bye, my baby boy. Thank you for every blessing. I love you so much.