Letting Go of Control

Surrender. Faith. They seem like they like they should be such easy concepts, easy practices. After all I just need to let go, right? Believe? Well it’s not easy when I’m quite the control freak. I’m a little better about things than I used to be (Hey, no laughing! I really am!), but I continue to struggle.

When I came into this world I dealt with heart/circulation issues, heart surgery at age 3, and physical pain that were not in my control. As you can imagine I underwent many tests and treatments took away my ability to dictate what was happening to me….and what I was experiencing wasn’t pleasant.

My world eventually calmed down for the most part after the age of four. But there have still been the occasional ER visits and even hospitalizations. So having a sense of control is important to me. I know it is primarily an illusion, but it helps me get through the day. When something happens I immediately try to figure out how to handle the issue from an internal/emotional perspective or to fix it if that is possible.  I make a plan. I execute the plan.

But there are some things one just can’t fix or control. Life dealt me such a blow last week.

As many of you know my stepfather was diagnosed with lung cancer about 18 months ago and went through difficult chemotherapy and radiation treatments. Along the way he’s had to contend with a variety of  after effects from the treatments. Well, he has not been feeling well lately and went in for a CAT scan last Wednesday. There is something on his lung. We don’t know quite yet what is going on. He has more tests to undergo and doctors to meet with.

There is no way for me to control this, to make it better. Whatever we find out, whatever he faces, we will all just have to embrace the journey. We will hold on to each other through the highs and lows to come.

As I heard the news regarding the CAT scan on Thursday evening, my mind immediately began conjuring dark possibilities. Friday morning I could still feel I wasn’t fully in the present moment. My mind was stilling fretting and worrying about things that weren’t real yet. So I decided to focus as much as possible on what was happening “right now.” I just accepted what was happening in the present moment.

I acknowledged the fact the test results were concerning, but that we didn’t have any solid information yet. For now, my stepfather was still with us and still home. Those were definitely things to be grateful for.

I put on music and embraced the joy of the lyrics. I probably looked silly to anyone passing by my cube as I shimmied in my chair.

I took in the messages of love and appreciation that come from the #FollowFriday activities of Twitter.

I dined on delicious Indian food and shared laughs with a good friend at lunch.

Once I got home, I worked out and felt the satisfaction that comes out of mixing sweat and endorphins.

And you know what? Life was good. I felt loved. I felt joy. I appreciated the ability of my body to move and the strength there. I felt the sun on my skin and embraced the beauty of nature.

The past few days have been a good reminder. Our natural state is one of peace, love, health, and abundance. If we aren’t experiencing those things, it’s because we are choosing something different. To return to our true nature we need to just let go, surrender, and just “be” for a while.

There really is an underlying grace and love that surrounds us. When we fight our circumstances, when we fear, we close down. We lose the power and blessings held within the present moment. When we surrender, we open. We more easily discover the lessons we need to learn. We make room for the blessings trying to come into our life. We allow the guidance of a higher power move us to where we need to be with ease.

The truth I was reminded of this weekend is beautifully captured by the Rolling Stones: You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find – you get what you need.