Most of my life I would have given anything to fit in. I would have given anything to have been “normal.” Some people have inner differences that can be hidden. I had those. But, more than that, I was different physically. There was no hiding. I have Turner’s Syndrome and the odd feet, infertility, webbed neck, short stature, and excess weight that come with it. All I could see for the longest time was the short, fat brunette that was so far from the norm of beauty it killed me.
I envied so much the tall, skinny blondes. I envied the straight people who would never think twice about holding their loved one’s hand or giving them a kiss in public. And at the time I didn’t think about the fact that maybe that pretty blonde was scared to death that she was only loved for her looks or that maybe that straight couple had challenges of their own in being accepted.
We can be incredibly cruel to ourselves if we stay in a space of searching for acceptance from the outside. I came to hate looking in the mirror. I isolated myself from love and friendship. I felt destined to be alone. That story of being an outsider and being unacceptable was my tale for the longest time.
As painful as it was, this story did give me some great gifts.
- I learned compassion. I am now an advocate for those who are considered outsiders. As a storyteller, I will share their tales in hopes of spreading understanding.
- I have learned that I love myself enough to not settle for someone who doesn’t honor me and treat me well.
- I have learned I can take care of myself, and that I don’t have to be dependent. Now it is time to open to the experience of sharing more love with others.
- I have learned that though I was given very powerful stories at the beginning of my life, I can choose a new one – one that celebrates my differences and uniqueness.
- I learned I held myself back in response to fear, a sense of unworthiness. I can now make a different choice.
- I am learning that it is okay to be beautiful, to be wanted, to be joyous. These are not things that will fall away unless I block them. I shut the doors in the past. Others haven’t abandoned me.
So now it is time for a new tale. Perhaps it is for you, too. Perhaps you are ready to release the painful stories, to feel gratitude for the strength they gave you, and to see yourself in a more loving way.
Every single one of us has felt like that square peg struggling to fit into the round hole. We need to stop this struggling. We need to embrace our uniqueness. We need to love ourselves as we are.
We rob the world of our light and potential healing when we aren’t sharing our gifts. My friends, this planet and all of your fellow beings need that love and hope now. They need you. Step up.
good for you. sounds like your challenges led to incredible strength and insight. normal is boring anyway!
write on!
You are one of the most beautiful women I have ever known, physically and spiritually. I feel very blessed to call you “friend” and I want you to know that your words light up my day, every day. The world could use more women like you.
Thank you very much. I appreciate that! Thank you for reading and yes, normal is boring!
Resa, thank you so much for that. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the light and hope you give me. Thank you for reading and the kind words. Love ya, chica.
Thank you for the post. Your words echoed a lot of feelings I have had myself. I believe differences enable us to be compassionate and awesome writers. We are in the best field.
Hi Lark,
Great post! Yes, it’s time to create our new stories, isn’t it, and, as you say here, to bring the wisdom from the old ones with us.
Lots of love,
Nancy
Sweetie… Although you are my cousin, for most of your life, I never really knew you at all, except by report, as you lived far away from me. But I’ve gotten to know you the past 5 years and to watch some of the struggles you describe above. I could sense there was a darkness in your soul that was heart-wrenching, since I also know how much you are loved. So, it is with great joy I have watched you bloom and blossom over the past year, as you have slowly allowed a different story to take root in you. I have seen your self love and acceptance emerging, day by day, through your notes in Facebook and occasionally when we meet in person. There is a lightness, a happiness, a hopefulness and a joy about you now that surely was not evident before. It is so wonderful to watch.
Although I am not burdened by anything so severe as Turners, I am extremely short too and for much of my life was terminally shy and definitely behind in emotional maturity growing up, so I truly do understand feeling like an outsider and not believing that others could love and accept you for who you are. Those feelings were reinforced in me when my marriage ended because my husband left me for another woman. Like you, I had to reawaken to my possibilities and make a conscious choice to let others in once again in order to experience all that life has to offer. It’s a journey and we’ll all take some missteps, but if you allow it, it can be miraculous.
So good for you that you’re embracing yourself, life and the future so completely now. I am so proud of you and happy for you!
This post rocks my socks off! There’s a beauty within & around you that is unmatched. Since we’ve met, I’ve been so deeply blessed with your support, kind words and authentic self. You spread love every day, in every way. THAT, my love, is Goddess earthbound.
Melly!! *hugs* forever. You are my inspiration!!
Thank you all so much for reading and responding. Wow…you all bless me with such love. I just can’t say how much I adore you all and what an inspiration each of you is.
Absolutely terrific post! I know where you are coming from in so many ways – tall, freckled, not-so-skinny redhead with a preacher for a dad caused major self-esteem issues. And like you I am learning to come out of that and be who I am meant to be. You are a blessing & I so enjoy your tweets & your blog – thanks for sharing you with me -
hmmm…love you, am proud of you and am glad for your survival in this vicious world full of people who don’t have an iota of your vision and empathy. i am glad you see that those people (pretty, straight etc etc etc) who you/we are not, can be and often are, more miserable than they may appear. all those old sayings we hear but don’t really internalize until whenever, ARE true…beauty is only skin deep; the most important things are not things; can’t judge a book by it’s cover. love you dear…you have given me the experience of a daughter that i would NEVER had had without you….had you been a svelt, 5’8″ cheerleader who spent hours preening and worrying about what boys’ head you turned, i would never have loved you as i do or been to honored to call you daughter………….gretchen
This is fantastic! Thank you for sharing this, Melly!
Wow. Just … wow. I am reminded of something I read recently, from Richard Rohr, a kind of outsider Franciscan monk: “If we aren’t transforming our pain, we are transferring it.” It’s so true.
Lark, you not only transform your pain, but—I speak here as one of your readers—you perform that magic for others, as well, through your writing. I can honestly say that I have experienced comfort and healing by reading your work, and have been inspired to encourage others in whatever ways I can by your example.
Now, on a simply superficial level: Hottie. You are one. Not a “normal hottie,” but they are a dime a dozen. It’s the unusual hotties who melt the heart! (:-} Would not change one thing about you, even if I could.
More importantly, though, I and many others are blessed by your gift. While I rue the suffering you’ve endured because of your frailties, you encourage me to accept my own. I was severely mauled by a dog when I was 5, and the massive swelling of my face and head made me look horrible until years of surgery corrected it. Kids were very cruel, and since we moved a lot, I ran into that over and over again. I wanted to be someone else, anyone else. For different reasons, that wrong impulse still dogs me, no pun intended. But I am learning to accept the scars, the lopsided head, and the many other limitations that come with life’s mishaps and diseases.
There is great light and life in you, and you let it shine. We are all warmed and illuminated you, my friend. Keep that light burning always!!!