Sharing The Dark

Let me in.
Don’t block your heart from me.
I want all of you…

Howl in anger.
Weep.
Break apart.
I won’t deny you.

If  you’d let me,
I’d take your hand.
I’d kiss your tears away.
I’d calm your fears,
and ease your mind.

I’d walk by your side,
be the stars in this dark night,
bringing you home.
I’d be the mirror when
your forget yourself.

Trouble me.
Lean on me.
Fall.
I’ll catch you.

I love you.

Let me in.

——————————————

I have been thinking today about the masks we wear. Many of us strive to appear perfect in the eyes of those around us. But really it is laughable. We are all beautifully flawed. We are only human.

When the inner storms hit, I have been known to hide away like a hermit. I keep myself in darkness, away from the light of attention, advice, and comfort from friends and family. Many of my friends share a similar trait of isolating themselves during the times of struggle.

Sometimes we must retreat and take some alone time in order to process our experiences, get our thoughts in order, and heal. But we have to be careful that we aren’t denying ourselves much needed love, support, and wisdom from those who care for us.

It isn’t an easy thing to be vulnerable with others, especially if you have a lot of experience with conditional love. If you have braved showing your authentic self to another person and been judged and rejected for that act, it leaves a scar. We can heal. We can move forward and try again to share ourselves, but a part of us is always marked by the past. It takes effort to open up to others again.

Think about your life. Were there times you really needed a hug, but held back asking for one? Did you ever have difficult times, think about calling a friend for help, and then stopped yourself from reaching out? I bet you have. It is a difficult mindset to break out of. Recently I’ve been on both sides — seeing a friend in pain, and being the one who was hurting. I was reminded that our friends WANT to be there for us.

It is not only a gift to ourselves, but also to others to let them offer support. It allows them an opportunity to return the love and caring we give them. It provides them a chance to be of service to another being. Isn’t that what we are all here for? To share our love and gifts in order to leave others a little better off.

I realize more and more each day that I have people who genuinely love me — for better or worse. They enjoy laughing with me, but they are just as willing to let me cry. They forgive my anger. They help me get centered again. They are willing to offer a sympathetic ear (or kick in the ass, if appropriate). They want the best for me.

In short — I don’t have to do this alone. Neither do you.

I think being able to be vulnerable with others has a lot to do with self-love. We all have weaknesses and strengths. We all have our shadow side and things we might be a little bit ashamed of. We must come to a place where we can look at all aspects of ourselves with compassion and love. It isn’t necessarily an easily thing to accomplish. But we must love ourselves in order to ask for what we need.

I was given a wonderful tool by a friend named Mary Knebel. She is on Twitter as @SelfHelpGoddess. A lot of Mary’s work revolves around helping people come back to loving themselves. She is an absolutely luminous spirit who continually inspires me. I recommend following her there and also checking out her site.

Here is the exercise directly from Mary:

First, take out a sheet of paper and think of someone in your life that you hide things from. It could be a spouse, parent, child, friend, etc., or even the planet as a whole! Now, imagine that you are writing a letter to this person (or people) and start out the letter by saying, “What I don’t want you to know about me is…” Then, list everything you would be ashamed of or embarrassed about if that person discovered these aspects about yourself. Things like, “I have cellulite on my thighs, I rarely pay my bills on-time, I can be really evil when someone crosses me, I act like I am holier than thou but usually I’m not, I often say no to plans with friends because I don’t really like them and would prefer to be by myself, etc.” You get the point. Anything you would not want this other person to find out about, include it in your list!

Once you’ve come up with a complete list, you’re going to turn it around and write a letter that starts out with, “What I do want you to know about me is…” and then list everything you listed in the first letter. So using the example above, it would look like this: “What I do want you to know about me is that I have cellulite on my thighs, I rarely pay my bills on-time, I can be really evil when someone crosses me, I act like I am holier than thou but usually I’m not, I often say no to plans with friends because I don’t really like them and would prefer to be by myself, etc.” List everything you listed in the first example, but this time approach it from a stance of wanting to share this information with the other person. (Don’t worry, you never have to share this letter with anyone if you don’t want to! This is just an exercise to help *you* in loving yourself.)

I found this exercise to be incredibly helpful. It showed me things I judged myself on without realizing it. It also allowed me to look at these elements of my personality and realize that I was still lovable. That these things I tried to hide away weren’t so bad after all.

I hope you’ll take the time to try the exercise. I hope the next time you are struggling, you give someone the gift of allowing them to be there for you. For your light, for your dark, for your strengths, for your fragility — You are loved.