Back from the Shadows

Remember me? Yeah, I know. I’ve been rather silent lately writing-wise. It seemed like my creative energies slammed into a wall. I’ve been recovering from the internal crash.

I’ll be honest. Over the past few months, I’ve been doing a lot of inner work and reviewing my life. As a little girl I had quite a different vision of what life would be at this age. I had imagined a life with a nice home, a husband, and a fabulous career. I imagined being at a point where I was comfortable within my own skin — a place of inward and outward health.  Hmm…yeah…reality hasn’t quite matched those dreams of youth. Things came to a head over the past couple weeks for me.

I’ve been a little angry (okay, a lot angry) at myself, a little depressed, a little too focused on lack instead of appreciating the blessings of my life. I’ve been struggling with knowing I am the architect of my own life and the fact that I’ve blocked so many blessings, felt so much fear, held myself back, and hid instead of reached out. In short, I placed myself right where I am; I created this life I am not satisfied with. So how do I become okay with that? What can I learn? Where do I go from here?

I have a hard time allowing myself to feel “negative” emotions like disappointment, anger, jealousy, etc. If I felt down when I was kid, I was always told that I should count my blessings, that someone else always had it worse than I do. My inner critic uses those past teachings to chide me with a loud, “Get over it!”

Yes, it is good to keep things in perspective and to not spin out too deeply into self-pity, but it is also important to feel what we are feeling. It really does no good to stuff the emotions. The energy still there, still needs to be released. We can’t move forward until we have felt the emotions, no matter how unpleasant they are.

So a couple weekends ago, after a suggestion by a wise friend, I held myself a little “pity party.” I played angry music. I drummed. I cried and yelled. I wrote angry letters and burned them. I let out all that I could in that moment. Of course it was followed up by comfort food (aka heavy doses of chocolate). I think it gave me a much needed movement of internal energy. I highly recommend it when you are feeling stuck in a negative place. Create a special time where you can just wallow with gusto! Then be done with it.

We hear so much about looking for the good in things. We hear that happiness is a choice.  Well, here is the real truth. To have a full life, we must go through all colors of emotions: joy, sorrow, fear, strength, happiness, depression, etc. The “negative” feelings are not there to punish us. They are there to help us appreciate the more “positive” emotions. They are there to help us learn what we need in our lives. They teach us what isn’t serving us well. They push us to make necessary changes.

We need to learn to not feel guilty about our feelings. The trick is channelling the energy in productive ways, not pretending the negative feelings don’t exist.

I realized today that during my internal struggles I have been hiding myself away. The universe has given me a swift kick to the backside. I’ve basically been told I need to be writing and practicing being more vulnerable. As I share, I hope you will too. Know you all have a willing ear, a cheerleader, and advocate in me when you need it.

Bright Blessings to you all until my next post.